Red Flag "Ugly Funny Guy"

Red Flag "Ugly Funny Guy"

I hate blind dates.  My friend sets me up with Ugly Guy.  Red Flag.  Wow, my friend must think I am really ugly.  This guy was so ugly but I didn't even care because he was so funny.  Alcohol makes everyone hot.  Ugly Funny Guy was so fun, smart, and funny I instantly loved this guy.  He lives in Burbank so far.  Red Flag.  Ugly Funny Guy takes me out to karaoke sing and he has a voice like Frank Sinatra.  Ugly Funny Guy transformed into this rock star.  There's something about a guy singing on stage that's hot.  Everyone was so good and he was taking voice lessons from Frank Sinatra's voice teachers, shouldn't they be dead already.  I can only sing by myself if there's bad competition or in a group so I don't clear out the bar.  Ugly Funny Guy tells me he can't go out with me again because I didn't karaoke sing.  Really, you are going to base the future of our relationship on the fact I didn't karaoke sing.  Red Flag. 

Red Flag "Columbian Illegal Alien"

I stayed too long in Europe once and I was an illegal alien.  I love dating illegal aliens.  My illegal aliens are really far Italy, Switzerland, Argentina, Holland.  I met this hot Latin guy from Columbia the other night.  He tells me he's an entrepreneur in Columbia that means he's a drug dealer.  Red Flag.  I stayed in Columbia when I was living and traveling in South America.  At this hotel they asked me if I wanted coke delivered to my room I'm so naive I thought they meant coke the drink so I said sure and then I had to tell them that was not the coke I ordered it's a drink.  Everyone in Columbia sold coke your hotel concierge, grandmas, priests.  

I'm thinking too bad he's a Columbian drug dealer he's so fun and cute.  I danced with the Columbian guy and he shows me his gun, not that gun, a shotgun that shoots off bullets.  Red Flag.  What does he think he's a rapper packing a shotgun?  Columbian guy said he only had one gun.  I told him my sister has 12 rifles and hunts in Africa.  Columbian Guy freaked out and left.  What a wuss? 

Red Flag "Ex-Boyfriend"

Ex-boyfriend.   Red Flag.  He got Xed out for a reason.  After two years, you forget why you broke up with them when they act so charming.  My ex-boyfriend calls me up and is in town and he was so sweet on the phone and I hadn't seen him in two years so I thought it would be fun to catch up.  He asked me to have lunch at Boa.  I get there and he's all moody and angry.   I'm thinking great he's still bi-polar/manic.  He tells me he already ate lunch at Soho House.  Red Flag.  I'm thinking why did he invite me to lunch.  He orders himself a glass of wine when I went to the bathroom and then tells me he's too cheap to buy me a glass of wine.  He used to own a bank.  Who cares?  He's not being a gentleman.  Red Flag.  Ex-boyfriend brings up he still has my vintage cashmere dress and he wore it.  Red Flag.  I ask him what are you half gay now?  He put my dress in storage.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  What is he going to wear my dress again?  A private car comes to take him to the airport and he asks me if I want to go with him to the airport and hook up.  What a douche bag?  I thanked him for reminding me why I never wanted to date him again.  I thought it would be fun to see him but it made me so sad I wasted my time I went to sprinkles and got a cup cake.  Ex-boyfriend.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Angry Broken Arm and Cancer Guy"

I hate blind dates and never go on them.  My friend I nicknamed shit talker sets me up with his buddy, who has a broken arm and cancer.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy was so cute too bad he has cancer.  I'm so embarrassed because I'm wearing my neck brace.  My buddy shit talker's yelling at me why are you wearing your neck brace.  I remind shit talker my neck hurts.   I got hit by a drunk driver.  The worst part about it was the drunk driver wasn't even cute and was not a gentleman he kept on driving.  Shit Talker is dancing with his Brazilian girlfriends.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy and I are dancing on the dance floor but people kept bumping into his broken arm.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy gets super angry starts fighting with people.  Red Flag.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy starts hitting people knocking them out with his Broken Arm.  Red Flag.  I get Broken Arm and Cancer Guy to stop fighting and dance on stage so no one bumps into his broken arm.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy and I were in so much pain we had to leave the dance club and go back to his place and make out.  I can't go out with Angry Broken Arm and Cancer Guy.  I can't do angry or moody.  Red Flag. 

Red Flag "Shady Rick"

I met this really cute Dutch guy Rick at 5 am at my friend's party.  Everyone is fun at 5 am.   I nicknamed the Dutch Guy Shady Rick  because he's from Amsterdam.  Shady Rick is so smart, talented, brilliant.  He got a DUI in his garage.  That's talent people.  Shady Rick does a line of coke on his dashboard.  The cop and I are looking at Shady Rick thinking that's not going to help your DUI.  I tell the cop Shady Rick's from Amsterdam.  My friends from Amsterdam forget drugs aren't legal here.  The cop asks him for his license and registration.  Shady Rick opens his dash compartment it's an Amsterdam coffee shop with shrooms, weed, hash, chocolate mushrooms.  Shady Rick gets a DUI in his garage.   Red Flag.  When your date ends because he goes to jail.  Red Flag.  Shady Rick wants me to pick him up at the local jail but I can't drive stick.  Too bad Shady Rick got deported something about an expired visa, eight ball, and too many DUI'S.  Shady Rick.  Red Flag.  

Red Flag "Wine Spiller"

It's always fun to meet nice, cute guys that love to drink wine.  If it wasn't for alcohol I think our population would be cut in half; no one would be getting together.  Wine Spiller was so much fun to go out with except he always spilled red wine on me.  Red Flag.  All my clothes have red wine stains so I could only wear the color red when I went  out with Wine Spiller.  One morning Wine Spiller poured a glass of red wine in my eyes.  My eyes are still drunk and now have red wine stains.  I can't date Wine Spiller my eyes are going to be an alcoholic.  Red Flag.  Wine Spiller.  Red Flag.