Victoria Cordova-Broad Humor Film Festival Stand Up Comedy

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  WISHING EVERYONE A HAPPY, JOYFUL, SAFE, AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!  THANK YOU FOR JOINING MY BLOG.  PLEASE SHARE ANY FUNNY DATING/RELATIONSHIP ENCOUNTERS:)  BEST WISHES THROUGH OUT THE NEW YEAR! XOX

Red Flag "Vegas Guy"

Vegas Guy tells me he misses me what does he think I'm stupid.  He's in Vegas on New Year's Eve.  Who misses anyone in Vegas?  Total dubachery.  Vegas Guy.  Red Flag.  Good times.  Last time I was in Vegas I was with the Margarita Sisters, who adopted a bachelor party in our hotel room at the Paris Casino.  My nickname in Vegas was Coco Cuervo.  I lost my voice so I was doing shots of Cuervo and then was cold so I was drinking hot chocolate.  I saw Lenny Kravitz perform and represented so well  I missed my flight back to LA.  Good times:)  One of the Margarita Sisters got kicked out of the Hard Rock Cafe Casino.  She got MVP:)

Red Flag "Guys who don't know what a date is"

I was hanging out with a bunch of friends and this guy tells me we had our first date.   I had to remind him a date is when you ask a girl out on a date and go out.  A date is not when you see each other last call with a million of our friends, ask a girl to sleep with you and when she says no motor boat the bartender.   Guys who don't know what a proper date is.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Red Flag Families on X-mas"

Merry Christmas!  Thank you for joining my blog.  Holidays can be tough with your family.  I have Post Traumatic Syndrome from my family this Christmas.  I sat my family down why don't we spend the holidays with people we enjoy.  What a concept?  They just yelled.  They didn't get the memo that it is okay to spend holidays with people you enjoy.  Your family can be a red flag hang in there.  Good times:)  Best Wishes during the Holidays and the New Year:)

Red Flag "Kitchen Natzi"

This guy won't let me in his kitchen while he cooks.  Kitchen Natzi.  Red Flag.  Good times:)

Red Flag "Took My Dress Hostage"

When a guy takes your dress hostage.  Red Flag.  Colorado Guy put my dress in storage.  What is he going to do wear it this winter?  Apparently.  Took My Dress Hostage Guy.  Red Flag.  Good times.

Red Flag "GU...Geographical Undesirable"

GU's are Geographical Undesirables.  I live in LA and my ex/Italian/Swiss guy lives in Italy, Switzerland, and Monaco.  He's a GU.  Red Flag.  Long distance only works if you don't like the person once you care it goes downhill.  GU...Geographical Undesirables.  Red Flag.  Good times:)    

Red Flag "Angry Happy Hour Guy Crank Calls me"

Angry Happy Hour Guy crank calls me.  Doesn't he know about redial?  Angry Happy Hour Guy must of been dialing me out of his ass because then he called seven more times.  I never went to Happy Hour with him because he got Angry.  Happy Hour would of been Angry Hour.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Victoria Cordova-Stand Up Comedy at Tribal Cafe

Victoria Cordova-Stand Up Comedy-Comedy Store

Victoria Cordova - Stand Up Comedy - Comedy Store

I just did stand up comedy for our troops for the 113THX Medical Detachment it was fabulous! Let's hear it for our amazing troops it was such an honor to perform for our troops:)

Red Flag "Sketch Bugged his Phone"

I nicknamed this guy Sketch because he had a fear of crowds and was paranoid.  He bugged his house and then he bugged his phone.  Red Flag.  How can you be that uptight living in Hawaii?  I thought it would be funny to have sexy phone talk as a joke to my buddy Shittalker and then after tell Sketch I know you bugged your phone.  Sketch Bugged his Phone.  Red Flag.  Good times:)

Red Flag "Bugged his House"

I was dating this guy I nicknamed Sketch because he would always get sketched out and paranoid.  Red Flag.  I thought I should be patient.  I ran out of patience when I found out he bugged his place.  Red Flag. I talked into the bugs/hidden camera I know you bugged your place not cool.  He didn't even try to deny it.  How can you be that uptight in Hawaii?  Red Flag.  Sketch/Bugged His House Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Victoria Cordova Stand Up Comedy Straight From The ER- Next Stage Theater Anna Lee Lawson show

Red Flag "It's Not a Date Guy"

It's Not A Date Guy asks me out for dinner but says it's not a date.  I told him I only date:)  It's Not a Date Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Red Flag " I Only Date Japanese Girls Guy"

This guy told me he couldn't date me because I'm not Japanese.  He met me before I'm clearly not Japanese.  I'm not turning Japanese.  I didn't make the cut.  I Only Date Japanese Girls Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

My Dad forgot to tell me I'm American Indian

I can't believe my Dad forgot to tell me I'm American Indian.  I'm really excited about my new Indian name Turquoise Long Feather Sleeps on Bar.  I'm really excited about opening up my new casino.  Everyone's invited and a DUI is a requirement:)  Good Times:)

My Dad forgot to tell me I'm American Indian.

I'm really excited about my new Indian name Turquoise Long Feather Sleeps on Bar:)  My brother's Indian names are One Night Stands.  My sister's Indian name is Crazy Eyes Yells Alot Owns 12 rifles. My Mom's Indian name is Eagle Eye and my Dad's Indian Name is Hawk Eye.  

Red Flag "Mom's Friend's Son"

When your Mom wants to set you up with her friend's son and she says he's got a great personality that's code for he's butt ugly.  My mom clearly doesn't care about my happiness she just wants grandchildren not happening with Chubaka:)  This guy looked like a cross between Chubaka, Cow, & Shit:)  The worst part about it he was no fun, bad B.O., & had two left feet wouldn't dance.  Mom's Friend's Son.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Red Flag "Wipes Boogers On Me Guy"

Hot Italian Guy in my Italian Class.  Hot Italian Guy loves to pick  his nose and wipe his boogers on me.  Wipes Buggers On Me Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:) 

Red Flag "Cries After Sex Guy"

Did you ever have a one night stand and you think it's sex, right and the guy starts crying in bed?  Red Flag.  I'm thinking am I that bad.  No way:)  Then I find out he's crying because he's never had a one night stand. Can't a girl have vacation sex in Amsterdam?  I can't even have a one night stand I ended up dating this guy for a couple years.  I realize I never break up with guys I just move; you lose touch, or they get deported. We never broke up he got a DUI in his garage and got deported:)  Cries After Sex Guy.  Red Flag.  Good times:)

Red Flag "It's Not A Date Guy"

This cute fun guy asks me out for a drink but then tells me it's not a date.  It's Not A Date Guy asks me out for the weekend but I'm busy.  We were sitting at a bar why don't we just have a drink now together.  It's Not A Date Guy tells me he wants us to go out on a different night and have a drink together but it's not a date.  It's Not A Date Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Red Flag "Sketch"

I nicknamed this guy Sketch because he had a fear of crowds.  In Hawaii there was 5 cars in front of us and Sketch had a meltdown.  Red Flag.  Can't bring him to LA.  Good times:)

Red Flag "Pre-Gay Guy"

I am at a friend's birthday dancing with Hot Australian guy, who tells me he is gay.  I figured that because he's wearing hot pink pants and sequin sparkles.  We were having so much fun he tells me he's not really gay.  I tell him you can't tell me you are gay and then take it back and go pre-gay.  Red Flag.  Good times:)  Pre-Gay Guy and I  kept dancing the night away. 

Red Flag "Hides Photos Guy"

Hides Photos Guy puts the picture I gave him of us in his drawer.  Red Flag.  I never give guys photos but I let my buddy shit talker talk me into it.  Bad idea.  You know your relationship is going really well when you find a picture of you and your boyfriend in his drawer.  Red Flag.  Hides Photos Guy.  Red Flag.  Good times:)  Check out my comedy films on www.funnyordie.com/cordova and vote funny and follow me on twitter:@redflagcordova and I can follow you on twitter too:)

Red Flag "Deep Talker Guy"

Sometimes it's cool to get deep and other times I don't have time to have every conversation be so traumatic with Deep Talker Guy.  Deep Talker Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Red Flag "A Prince with 48 Wives"

I am dressed as a gypsy/genie:) Thank everyone for coming to my arranged marriage with my unknown husband/prince/pyromaniac and his 48 wives.  Red Flag.  At least I made the top fifty.  Good Times.  I'm losing the castle.  I can't marry a prince with 48 wives.  Red Flag.  We are taking this show on the road:)  Come out in costume for Tribal Cafe November 2nd show 7:00pm-10:30pm it's the recovering from Halloween I am still in costume stand up comedy show:)

Stand Up Comedy/Karaoke Halloween Bash Good Times:)

Red Flag " Men in Tights & Capes"

I got asked out by a man in tights and capes.  Red Flag.  Okay maybe I would of went out with Batman but he was too busy fighting Superman while their buddy Spider Man watched and drank a forty.  Men in tights and capes.  Red Flag.  Good times:)

Red Flag "Late Night Texter Guy"

I got a text from a hot brazilian guy I'm bored that makes two of us I'm asleep.   

Please share and post your funny dating stories on my blog and pass my blog along to your friends, live love, and laugh:)  Happy Halloween:)

Red Flag "Trying to hit me with his Pee Guy"

Cougher Guy coughs in my face then asks me for my number and then he gets mad when I say I don't give my number out to random guys unless they are illegal aliens.  Cougher Guy pees on a tree outside then tries to hit me with his pee when I walk by.  Red Flag.  Good times:)

Red Flag "Too Close Spitter"

I was at the Director's Guild tonight for the NBC Universal film event and I met Too Close Spitter, who spit on me every time he talked.  Red Flag.  Too Close Spitter tells me if he could turn back time.  I'm thinking I'd like to turn back time to the time you didn't spit on me.  Too Close Spitter.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Red Flag "Zombie Guy"

I got hit on by a Zombie on Melrose today.   He looked just like my Prom Date:)  Red Flag.  Good Times:) 

Broad Humor Film Festival Filmmakers Karen from the UK, Juliette Bennett from NYC, and Victoria Cordova from LA

Red Flag "She Man Dominatrix"

I got hit on by a She Man Dominatrix on my American Airlines flight.  I couldn't fall asleep because I didn't want to be duck taped to my seat and I had Airplane Farter Guy bombing me big time.  She Man tells me they are a Dominatrix.  The worst part about it was She Man Dominatrix had bigger boobs than I did.  Red Flag.   I gave She Man Dominatrix the hot half gay guy's number in row 27.  Good Times:)

Victoria, Aparna, Chris, & Andrea did Stand Up Comedy on the Show Do You Think You're Funny?

Red Flag "Farting Airplane Guy"

Farting Airplane Guy is farting on me the entire plan ride and tells me I have bad breath.  I tell him that's because I have been inhaling your farts jack ass.  Farting Airplane Guy.  Red Flag.  Good times on American Airlines:)

Red Flag"Call Me Back in 15 Minutes Guy"

I was having a dinner party and I invited my Hawaiian Kite surfer buddy Lou to the dinner, who told me to call him back in 15 minutes.  I called Lou back to invite him to the dinner and he said call me back in 15 minutes. Of course I call him back because he's so cute:) I called him back and he repeats the same thing Call Me Back in 15 minutes.  Red Flag.  There's nothing to call him back about either come to the dinner party or if you are busy no problem.  I can't keep calling someone back.  I have no follow through or time:)  Good Times.  Call Me Back in 15 Minutes Guy.  Red Flag.  

Red Flag "Dating Two Sisters Guy"

I love the mindset of the Dating Two Sisters Guy as if he's going to get away with dating two sisters.  Red Flag.  He got mad at me because I wouldn't date him so he peed in my car.  Dating Two Sisters Guy put out his cigarettes all over my car.  Good Times.  Dating Two Sisters Guy.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Dating two Sisters Guy"

This hot Hawaii guy he's trying to date my sister and I.  Red Flag.  Sisters are going to talk can't date two sisters; if he was smart he would of tried to date two girls not related and who didn't live together.  His way of making it up to me for dating my sister is he gave me a dictionary as if a dictionary is going to make up for dating my sister.  The dictionary would of been useful if it wasn't in Hawaiian.  Dating Two Sisters Guy.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Did you ever date someone and you didn't make the cut because the Italian/Swiss guy wants to date a whore...How come I never get to be the whore?

Did you ever date someone and you didn't make the cut?  Italian/Swiss Guy comes to LA from Switzerland to tell me he needs to be dating a whore.  Red Flag.  Good to know.  I'm thinking why didn't he just call me to tell me this.  Then I thought why can't I be the whore?  I never get to be the whore then I thought it's way too much effort.  Italian/Swiss guy tells me no guys will tell you they want to date a whore; that's because it's a deal breaker.  Italian/Swiss guy tells me at least he's honest that is true but he's acting as if I should give him a gold medal for honest whore dating.  I realize in relationships I never break up I just move.  I should of seen the red flags.  Italian/Swiss Guy has a stripper pole in his living room; he doesn't even have to go to a strip club he just wakes up and goes to his living room.  Strip Club.  He told me he has his stripper pole because he's practicing he's an amateur fireman.  Italian/Swiss guy.  Red Flag.  Good times:)  We've been friends since Hawaii so the Italian/Swiss guy he should of been here when my Brazilian friends were in town:)  I love my Brazilian friends always ask is this outfit too short.  You are wearing a belt.  I'm sure you will be the most popular girl out tonight.  Everyone should go to Brazil sexy country and beautiful people:)  Good Times:)

ConvictedFelons.com Ep1 Bank Robbers

Red Flag "Hot Stoner Guy who forgets lunch date?"

Hot Stoner Guy asks me to lunch then when I meet him for lunch he asks why am I here?  Because you asked me to lunch...I'm thinking is it my neck brace:)  Hot Stoner Guy who forgets our lunch date.  Red Flag.  Good Times:)

Convictedfelons.Com Film screened at the Broad Humor Film Festival

My convicted felon date inspired my comedy film Convictedfelons.Com which was a big hit at the Broad Humor Film Festival.  I won an award for Best Broad at the Broad Humor Film Festival.  You can check out the film at www.funnyordie.com/cordova and vote funny:)  You can also see the film on www.youtube.com/MsVcordova.  Thank everyone who helped on the film as well as Trader Joe's, Starbuck's, and Sprinkles cupcakes:)

Broad Humor Film Festival Stand Up Soiree

Thank you Annie and Jenn for doing the Broad Humor Film Festival Stand Up Comedy Soiree in Venice.  Where's the super talented Laurie Kilmartin and Erin Foley for the photo.  Thank you to all the fabulous funny beautiful ladies Aparna, Lisa, Erin, Laurie, and Victoria doing comedy:) 

Red Flag "Cross Dresser Guy"

I met this cool guy at the Irish Film Festival and then he tells me he is a Cross Dresser.  Red Flag.  Irish Cross Dresser Guy tells me we are going to be dating.  He only wants to date me to wear my Diane von Furstenberg dresses.  I already lost one Diane von Furstenberg dress to the Bi-polar Ex-boyfriend, who put that dress in storage in Colorado apparently he wants to wear it this winter.  I know the dress is cashmere but that's half gay.  Irish Cross Dresser Guy got mad at me that I didn't want to date him.  Angry Irish Cross Dresser Guy.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Broken Leg & Cancer Guy"

It's so sexy to go on dates with a neckbrace in LA.  My buddy shit talker set me up with his buddy, who has a broken leg and cancer.  He's dying but I have a fear of committment so I am in it for the long haul.  All 8 days.  I'm being a Red Flag:)

Red Flag "Angry Neck brace Guy"

It's so sexy to go on dates with a neckbrace especially in LA.  My friend I nicknamed Dr. Tuesday he only works one day a week on Tuesday.  He sets me up with his buddy, who just got into a car wreck like myself.  I tell Dr. Tuesday don't set me up with anyone I'm wearing a neck brace.   Dr. Tuesday says even better so is his friend.  Neck Brace Guy and I are at Coffee Bean wearing matching neck braces and drinking our coffee out of a straw.  Good times.  Aren't we a pair?  Neck Brace Guy gets angry at the Coffee Bean Guy, who apparently put too much milk in his coffee and throws his coffee all over.  Red Flag.  I can't go out with Angry Neck Brace Guy.  Red Flag.

Victoria Cordova Stand Up Comedy at 3 of Clubs in Hollywood "Open Relationship"

Red Flag "Open Relationship Guy"

Open Relationship Guy wanted to have an open relationship but then you wake up to him asking his friend in the kitchen if he knows of any good gay bars in Canada.  Red Flag.  That was not the open relationship I was talking about.  Good Times.  Open Relationship Guy.  Red Flag.

Convicted Felons.Com comedy film got into the Broad Humor Film Fetsival in Venice Beach inspired by Convicted Felon Red Flag Date

Victoria Cordova Stand Up Comedy Comedy Store

Red Flag"Fear of Crowds"

I went out on a date with a guy, who has a fear of crowds so we had to eat an empty restaurant that equals food poison.  Good times.  Guy with fear of crowds.  Red Flag.

Victoria Cordova - Liquid Zoo 2011

Victoria Cordova - The IceHouse Comedy Club 2011

Victoria Cordova - The Ha Ha Comedy Club 2011

Red Flag "Farter"

This guy takes me out for a drink and the whole time he's farting on me and texting his ex-girlfriend.  I'm drinking wine and he tells me I have bad breath...I tell him that's because I've been inhaling your farts jack ass.  Farter and texting his ex-girlfriend...Red Flag.  Good times:)

Red Flag "Convicted Felon"

I can't date the convicted felon not because he's a convicted felon....I'm scared of his pitbull...his pitbull is having 12 puppies so this relationship is doomed.  Convicted Felons with scary dogs...Red Flag.  Red Flag. 

Red Flag "Convicted Felon"

The BMX Biker/Convicted felon's dog his scary pitbull ripped my pants off...didn't see that coming.  Red Flag.  I just want my pants back.

Red Flag "Convicted Felon"

My buddy Shit talker sets me up with this pro bmx biker/convicted felon.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Blow Job Texter"

I just finished a stand up comedy audition.  I ran into this guy I nicknamed Blow Job Texter.  All he does is text me about when I am going to give him a blow job.  Red Flag.  He's not a gentleman.  I don't know why he thinks I want to give him a blow job.  We have never even hung out.  He got mad at me over text saying he was asking me a simple question.  Too bad Blow Job texter is not a mature gentleman because he's really cute.  I can't go out with Blow Job Texter.  Red Flag.   

Red Flag "After Hours Guy"

I was in New Orleans and I met this really cool guy from Arizona I nicknamed After Hours.  We only went out after hours.  After Hours would always ask me stupid questions.  Red Flag.  I don't know if After Hours asked stupid questions because it was After Hours or because he was stupid.  I was telling After Hours how much I love Lenny Kravitz's music.  After Hours asked me who would I rather sleep with him or Lenny Kravitz.  I'm thinking stupid question.  Duh, Lenny Kravitz.  After Hours gets all upset.  I tell After Hours he shouldn't ask questions that he doesn't want the answers too.  I tell After Hours I have to go to Europe.  After Hours asks me would I rather go to Europe or visit him in Arizona in August.  I'm thinking another stupid question.  Europe or Arizona in the summer.  Duh, Europe!  I can't have a summer boyfriend in Arizona.  It's so hot in Arizona you can fry an egg on the sidewalk.  After Hours Guy.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Porn Me"

Cannes Film Festival 2009 screened in the Court Metrage.

Written, Directed, and Produced by Victoria Cordova

What happens when an injured porn star wants to take a sick day and there are no sick days in Porn?

Red Flag "Penis Pusher"

I had a really bad date with my ex-boyfriend.  I wanted to go out and get drunk and make some bad decisions.  Mission Accomplished.  I was dancing to an awesome band alone on the dance floor.  I met this hot guy, who I bought a drink for and then he hits on some other girl.  Red Flag.  I was dancing with other guys but reconnected with the hot guy over another glass of wine.  The bar's closing and he invites me to a party except the party was in his bed.  Red Flag.  We are sitting on his bed and he pushes my head to his penis.  Red Flag.  I nicknamed hot guy "Penis Pusher".  Penis Pusher pushes my head down to his lap.  I tell him I know where your penis is I choose not to give you a blow job especially when you push my head down to your penis.  Red Flag.  I can't meet a guy and then just hook up unless I'm in a foreign country.  Everyone should have sex in a foreign country.  I pass out with Penis Pusher and wake up to the voice of his mother.
Penis Pusher he's still asking for a blow job.  I tell him you're still not a gentleman.  I had to get out of there asap I didn't want to meet Penis Pusher's mother.  Penis Pusher.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Ugly Funny Guy"

Red Flag "Ugly Funny Guy"

I hate blind dates.  My friend sets me up with Ugly Guy.  Red Flag.  Wow, my friend must think I am really ugly.  This guy was so ugly but I didn't even care because he was so funny.  Alcohol makes everyone hot.  Ugly Funny Guy was so fun, smart, and funny I instantly loved this guy.  He lives in Burbank so far.  Red Flag.  Ugly Funny Guy takes me out to karaoke sing and he has a voice like Frank Sinatra.  Ugly Funny Guy transformed into this rock star.  There's something about a guy singing on stage that's hot.  Everyone was so good and he was taking voice lessons from Frank Sinatra's voice teachers, shouldn't they be dead already.  I can only sing by myself if there's bad competition or in a group so I don't clear out the bar.  Ugly Funny Guy tells me he can't go out with me again because I didn't karaoke sing.  Really, you are going to base the future of our relationship on the fact I didn't karaoke sing.  Red Flag. 

Red Flag "Columbian Illegal Alien"

I stayed too long in Europe once and I was an illegal alien.  I love dating illegal aliens.  My illegal aliens are really far Italy, Switzerland, Argentina, Holland.  I met this hot Latin guy from Columbia the other night.  He tells me he's an entrepreneur in Columbia that means he's a drug dealer.  Red Flag.  I stayed in Columbia when I was living and traveling in South America.  At this hotel they asked me if I wanted coke delivered to my room I'm so naive I thought they meant coke the drink so I said sure and then I had to tell them that was not the coke I ordered it's a drink.  Everyone in Columbia sold coke your hotel concierge, grandmas, priests.  

I'm thinking too bad he's a Columbian drug dealer he's so fun and cute.  I danced with the Columbian guy and he shows me his gun, not that gun, a shotgun that shoots off bullets.  Red Flag.  What does he think he's a rapper packing a shotgun?  Columbian guy said he only had one gun.  I told him my sister has 12 rifles and hunts in Africa.  Columbian Guy freaked out and left.  What a wuss? 

Red Flag "Ex-Boyfriend"

Ex-boyfriend.   Red Flag.  He got Xed out for a reason.  After two years, you forget why you broke up with them when they act so charming.  My ex-boyfriend calls me up and is in town and he was so sweet on the phone and I hadn't seen him in two years so I thought it would be fun to catch up.  He asked me to have lunch at Boa.  I get there and he's all moody and angry.   I'm thinking great he's still bi-polar/manic.  He tells me he already ate lunch at Soho House.  Red Flag.  I'm thinking why did he invite me to lunch.  He orders himself a glass of wine when I went to the bathroom and then tells me he's too cheap to buy me a glass of wine.  He used to own a bank.  Who cares?  He's not being a gentleman.  Red Flag.  Ex-boyfriend brings up he still has my vintage cashmere dress and he wore it.  Red Flag.  I ask him what are you half gay now?  He put my dress in storage.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  What is he going to wear my dress again?  A private car comes to take him to the airport and he asks me if I want to go with him to the airport and hook up.  What a douche bag?  I thanked him for reminding me why I never wanted to date him again.  I thought it would be fun to see him but it made me so sad I wasted my time I went to sprinkles and got a cup cake.  Ex-boyfriend.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Angry Broken Arm and Cancer Guy"

I hate blind dates and never go on them.  My friend I nicknamed shit talker sets me up with his buddy, who has a broken arm and cancer.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy was so cute too bad he has cancer.  I'm so embarrassed because I'm wearing my neck brace.  My buddy shit talker's yelling at me why are you wearing your neck brace.  I remind shit talker my neck hurts.   I got hit by a drunk driver.  The worst part about it was the drunk driver wasn't even cute and was not a gentleman he kept on driving.  Shit Talker is dancing with his Brazilian girlfriends.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy and I are dancing on the dance floor but people kept bumping into his broken arm.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy gets super angry starts fighting with people.  Red Flag.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy starts hitting people knocking them out with his Broken Arm.  Red Flag.  I get Broken Arm and Cancer Guy to stop fighting and dance on stage so no one bumps into his broken arm.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy and I were in so much pain we had to leave the dance club and go back to his place and make out.  I can't go out with Angry Broken Arm and Cancer Guy.  I can't do angry or moody.  Red Flag. 

Red Flag "Shady Rick"

I met this really cute Dutch guy Rick at 5 am at my friend's party.  Everyone is fun at 5 am.   I nicknamed the Dutch Guy Shady Rick  because he's from Amsterdam.  Shady Rick is so smart, talented, brilliant.  He got a DUI in his garage.  That's talent people.  Shady Rick does a line of coke on his dashboard.  The cop and I are looking at Shady Rick thinking that's not going to help your DUI.  I tell the cop Shady Rick's from Amsterdam.  My friends from Amsterdam forget drugs aren't legal here.  The cop asks him for his license and registration.  Shady Rick opens his dash compartment it's an Amsterdam coffee shop with shrooms, weed, hash, chocolate mushrooms.  Shady Rick gets a DUI in his garage.   Red Flag.  When your date ends because he goes to jail.  Red Flag.  Shady Rick wants me to pick him up at the local jail but I can't drive stick.  Too bad Shady Rick got deported something about an expired visa, eight ball, and too many DUI'S.  Shady Rick.  Red Flag.  

Red Flag "Wine Spiller"

It's always fun to meet nice, cute guys that love to drink wine.  If it wasn't for alcohol I think our population would be cut in half; no one would be getting together.  Wine Spiller was so much fun to go out with except he always spilled red wine on me.  Red Flag.  All my clothes have red wine stains so I could only wear the color red when I went  out with Wine Spiller.  One morning Wine Spiller poured a glass of red wine in my eyes.  My eyes are still drunk and now have red wine stains.  I can't date Wine Spiller my eyes are going to be an alcoholic.  Red Flag.  Wine Spiller.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "No Where To Live Guy"

I went on a date with a hot Australian Guy, who was so fun, funny, smart, and homeless.  No Where To Live Guy.  Red Flag.  I thought No Where To Live Guy lived at my friend's house.  After a fun night of dancing we went back to my friend's house only to walk through my friend's living room in order to go outside.  It was super cool to be outside with all the stars in the sky but it was cold.  On our first date I had to walk No Where To Live Guy back to his tent.  It was a blanket fort.   Red Flag.  At least the blankets were really soft.  No Where To Live Guy's grandma made him blankets.   If I knew No Where To Live Guy had no car and walked thirty miles to a dance club to see me.   I would of picked up No Where To Live Guy to go dancing.  Too bad No Where To Live Guy got deported.  Red Flag.  I miss No Where To Live Guy's sexy Australian accent.  

Red Flag "No Drive By Guy"

No Drive By Guy always talked about marriage, marriage, marriage, he wanted me to move in with him, get married, wear the family ring, be his wife but he tells me I can't drive by unannounced.  Who does he think he is?  The Prince of Wales?  No Drive By Guy.  Red Flag.  I was in No Drive By Guy's neighborhood and he got mad I stopped by unannounced.  Red Flag.  What is he afraid of me catching him shaving his pubic hair, masturbating, or dating a neighbor?  I took No Drive By Guy to my friend's birthday party.  No Drive By Guy was a social disaster.  Red Flag.  No Drive By Guy is one of those guys that is really sweet with you alone but you can't bring out in public.  Red Flag.  One night, I get out of a film event five minutes from No Drive By Guy's place so I stopped by with cookies and beer.  No Drive By Guy was furious I stopped by unannounced.  No Drive By Guy tells me he was not raised where people can stop by.  I was raised in a laid back family in California where everyone was welcome to stop by unannounced all the time.  I also lived in Hawaii and Argentina where everyone gets excited and happy to see you drive by unannounced.  I have never dated a guy where he got so upset because I drove by unannounced.  I can't date No Drive By Guy.  I'm spontaneous.  No Drive By Guy.  Red Flag.  

Red Flag "No Make Out Guy"

I ran into my super cool childhood friend, hot surfer, tan, blonde, been living in Tahiti, super religious.  Half way through dating he tells me we can't make out anymore.  I tell him, "that makes a lot of sense we already had sex".  No Make Out Guy.  Red Flag.  I tell him what do you mean we can't make out anymore.  No Make Out Guy tells me he is trying to live a pure life.  I remind him "You work at a bar."  No Make Out Guy told me he was a bartender.  I stop into the bar to see him; No Make Out Guy is the doorman trying to get me a drink.  No Make Out Guy who is  trying to live a pure life lied to me.  Red Flag.  I was surprised that No Make Out Guy would lie that he's a bartender because I am going to come in the bar and see that No Make Out Guy is the doorman.  No Make Out Guy invited me to his surf church.  I was injured so I told him to save me a seat because I will be late with my crutches.  No Make Out Guy tells me he can't save me a seat because he can't make out and is trying to live this pure life.  Red Flag.  I thanked No Make Out Guy for reminding me to date other guys.  No Make Out Guy.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Tired Guy"

I met this really cool guy Jeff at a beach party.  He was super fun, smart, cute, and loved to dance.  He invited me to play night golf with glow in the dark golf balls which was a blast.   Jeff got tired.  Tired Guy.  Red Flag.  Tired Guy asks me out the next night for dinner but I already had dinner plans with my cousins.  The next night, I am at Hennessey's for a drink with my cousins and Tired Guy is out on a date.  I can see Tired Guy from inside the restaurant and he can see me outside with my cousins.  Tired Guy turns his chair so if I didn't see him I couldn't see him now.  Red Flag.  Tired Guy's hiding from me because I busted him on a date.  Red Flag.  I didn't want to ruin my time with my cousins talking about Tired Guy on his date.  Red Flag.  The next day I was helping Tired Guy's roommate with a script.  Tired Guy wants to go to dinner.  I suggest Hennessey's since that was where he was hiding from me.  I couldn't talk to Tired Guy at dinner because he fell asleep.  Tired Guy.  Red Flag.  I can't go out with double dater Tired Guy.

Red Flag "Toilet Clogger"

I met this really cute, fun, funny actor.  He was a dream except for he kept clogging my toilet.  I nicknamed him Toilet Clogger.  My Apartment Manager kept having to rescue my toilet from Toilet Clogger.  I think my toilet was having anxiety.  Red Flag.  I invited Toilet Clogger to my friend's film screening and he got all possessive on me and wasn't nice to my male film colleagues.  Red Flag.  After the film screening and party, Toilet Clogger and I went back to my place.  Toilet Clogger's in my bathroom, runs out of toilet paper, uses all my kleenex, he clogs my toilet again.  I thought it was so funny he comes out of the bathroom in a panic yelling,"Your toilet's clogged."  Toilet Clogger acts as if it's my toilets fault.  I'm laughing thinking it's funny that Toilet Clogger is blaming my toilet for clogging the toilet.  I tell Toilet Clogger "make sure everything goes down".  It was a disaster.  I had to call my Apartment Manager for help and get a new toilet.  I decided I wasn't going to put up with Toilet Clogger getting all possessive on me, not being nice to my friends, or any of his shit, and I didn't want to look at it literally either.  Toilet Clogger Red Flag.   My Apartment Manager was so happy when I stopped dating Toilet Clogger and so was my new toilet.  Too bad he had to get so possessive on me; he was so cute:)

Red Flag "Bailer Extraordinaire"

I met this really cool, cute, funny, Italian guy at a digital conference.  Italian Guy was so fun I had a drink with him and his fun friends.  Italian Guy wanted me to think of anything I wanted to do in New York on a date.  I told him I already did everything I wanted in New York.  Italian Guy's telling me how we are going to be living together, get married, I'm thinking is he nuts or just drunk.  I told Italian Guy I wrote off Italian guys; the last Italian guy had a stripper pole in his living room.  Italian Guy tells me "I'm not from Italy."  I tell him that's even worse because then he can't cook.  Italian Guy convinces me to go to this party at his friend's house but promised me he would drive me back to my car at the digital conference.  I was excited to go to the party.  Italian Guy drives me to his friend's house, there's no party then bails on me.  Red Flag.   Italian guy becomes Bailer Extraordinaire.  Red Flag.  Bailer Extraordinaire does blow with his friend in his bathroom all night.  Red Flag.  Bailer Extraordinaire finally comes out of the bathroom, he's out of his mind, twitching, can't talk.  Red Flag.  I don't know why he even invited me over.  I want to leave and Bailer Extraordinaire leaves without me.   Red Flag.  I told Bailer Extraordinaire," thank you for reminding me not to date Italian guys".  Bailer Extraordinaire.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "No Dance Guy"

I met this really cute, fun, Artsy Guy.  My neighbor was getting married and she told me her wedding was going to suck because there was going to be no cute guys, not even the groom, and I better bring a date.  I hate weddings and never bring a date to a wedding.  The only time, I wanted to bring a date was to my sister's wedding.  I asked my boyfriend at the time but my mom's so controlling.  My Mom tells me," Victoria, you can't bring a date to your sister's wedding.  You have to much to do you're the Maid Of Honor".  I'm thinking are you kidding me, other people get to bring dates to my sister's wedding except for the sister of the bride.  I hadn't asked a guy to a wedding since my sister's wedding and for some reason I was really shy and couldn't admit we were going to a wedding.    I originally asked Alejandro from Argentina super hot and loves to dance to go to my neighbor's wedding but he never got back to me.  I had a crush on Artsy Guy so I asked Artsy Guy "Hey, do you want to go to this thing with free food, drinks, and dancing".  Artsy Guy, "What thing?"  I tell him it's this thing for my neighbor,  you gotta wear a suit, if that's cool?"  Artsy Guy, "Okay."  Artsy Guy shows up in a tight suit, hung over, and two left feet.  My neighbor's wedding looked like a scene from a wedding out of the movie The Wedding Singer.  My neighbor was right her wedding sucked because she didn't want to get married to Angry Uptight Guy.  Red Flag.  All I wanted to do was dance and Artsy Guy turns out he's No Dance Guy.  Red Flag.  I lived in Argentina we come out of the womb dancing and doing the Tango.  I can't go out with No Dance Guy.  Red Flag.  The entire night No Dance Guy is complaining he's hung over, hates to dance, his suit's too tight.  No Dance Guy was no fun so we got drunk and broke up.  During the wedding, I get a call from Alejandro the Hot Guy from Argentina that he wanted to come to the wedding now.  My friend, the drunk Bride yells into my phone come to my wedding.  I told No Dance Guy that Alejandro is coming to dance that my drunk friend the Bride invited him.  No Dance Guy got mad at me.  I'm thinking why are you mad at me?  We already broke up and you won't dance.   No Dance Guy.  Red Flag.  The funny part about everything was I got into a bad car wreck the next night and now I can't dance.  Just give me a few days I will be back dancing.

Red Flag "Stripper Pole Guy"

I met this super cool, cute, fun, Italian Swiss Guy.  Italian Swiss Guy is so fun; he's my soulmate except he has a stripper pole in his living room.  Red Flag.  Do you ever ask yourself stupid questions when you like someone?  I'm asking myself would Stripper Pole Guy be faithful?  Stupid question.  Stripper Pole Guy has a fucking stripper pole in his living room.  He doesn't have to go to Strip Clubs he has a permanent Strip Club in his living room.  Stripper Pole Guy tells me he's practicing because he's an amateur fireman.  Red Flag.  Stripper Pole Guy says he teaches strip aerobics.  Red Flag.  Stripper Pole Guy is Italian Swiss.  Italian part's Red Flag.  It's been my experience from living in Italy that Italian guys usually are not faithful probably because they don't know how to set boundaries.  Red Flag.  If you find a faithful Italian guy hold on you'll have the time of your life.  If Stripper Pole Guy is Italian on top then that's cool because he's a great cook, super stylish, loves to eat, and if he's Swiss on the bottom then he's faithful, organized, and on time.  I can work with that.  If Stripper Pole Guy is Swiss on top and Italian on the bottom then he'll never be faithful.  Red Flag.  And let's not forget he has a stripper pole in his living room.  The worst part about it is Stripper Pole Guy swings better around his Stripper Pole than me.  I was thinking about Stripper Pole Guy today and he called me to pick him up at the airport too bad I was out of the country.  I do like his pole.  Stripper Pole Guy.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Stoner Guy Forgets My Name"

I have been dating this really sweet, cool, fun,  hippie Stoner guy.  It's going really well except he can't remember my name.  Red Flag.  Stoner Guy, stoned out of his mind, as he does a bong rip he calls me "Crystal"....then does another bong rip...calls me "Sky"... Wrong Name again.  Red Flag.  Stoner Guy does another hit of pot and calls me "Sapphire".  I'm just looking at him thinking I gave you three chances and you don't even remember my name.  Stoner Guy says "Oh, wait that's the girl from Playboy Magazine".  Red Flag.  Stoner Guy he's really sweet he always wants to make me dinner except it consists of a couple sunflower seeds, rocks, and leaves.  Then for dessert Stoner Guy always wants to feed me flax seed oil.  Have you ever tasted flax seed oil?  It looks like honey but it tastes like shit.  I'm thinking what does he think I am a car.  If I was a car,  I wouldn't run on oil or gas.  I would run on weed.  Who's with me?  If I was a car in Europe, I would run on chocolate, wine, and cheese and if you're in Ibiza then you're not driving.  You're dancing!  And probably naked if you're leaving the opening party of the Club Space.  If you leave the Club Space with your clothes on that's a major accomplishment.  Good times.  My favorite club is Pacha:)

Red Flag "Angry Happy Hour Guy"

Happy Hour Guy is really fun, funny, cute, and wants to go to Happy Hour.  I would of loved to have gone to Happy Hour, who doesn't like Happy Hour.  It's one of the happiest hours of the day:)  I had to tell Happy Hour Guy I would love to meet up but I already had plans.  Happy Hour Guy tries to convince me to cancel my plans because he's going to pay for everything.  The fact a guy tells me he's going to pay for everything.  Red Flag.  I am not the type of girl, who goes out with some guy because he's paying.  Happy Hour Guy becomes Angry Happy Hour Guy because I am not willing to cancel my plans.  Angry Happy Hour Guy.  Red Flag.  It'll be Angry Hour.  Red Flag.  Angry Happy Hour Guy tells me I should meet up with him so I can cross it off my list.  Red Flag.  I don't go out with guys to cross them off my list.  What does he think I am a business transaction?  Red Flag.  I'm thinking now I am crossing off Angry Happy Hour Guy.   I have never encountered so many Red Flags in one conversation.  Angry Happy Hour Guy.  Red Flag.

Red Flag "Hot Half Gay Guy"

I had a crush on this really cool, funny, smart, hot guy at grad school and he went to great lengths to get me out of my clothes only because he wanted to wear them.  Red Flag.  He tells me over Martini's he's Half Gay.  I'm thinking Half Gay which half?  If he's gay on top that's cool then he's super ripped, fit, six pack, and if he's straight on the bottom I can work with that.  I ask him Half Gay what do you mean?  You date guys half the week.   You suck dick part time; you only lick balls.  He tells me he blames his five sisters for being Half Gay because they would talk about cock all the time.  Why did I have to fall for the one Hot Half Gay Gay in my class?  We had so much fun together I over looked all the Red Flags.  I should of seen the Red Flags because after we would leave the bars he would get hot guys phone numbers.  I thought he was being friendly.  At least he had good taste I thought these guys were hot too.  Later, when we would get back to his place he would want to bake cookies.  Red Flag.  We could of been having sex but we were baking cookies.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  Red Flag.  One night he went to great lengths to get me out of my vintage dress only because he wanted to wear it.  The worst part about it was he looked better in my dress than I did.  Red Flag.  I can't date Hot Half Gay Guy and lose out to some guy named Chuck.  Red Flag.    

Red Flag "Danny the Dog Stealer"

Did you ever date someone that stole something from you?  If you're going to steal something from me...steal something that I am not going to notice....change...pennies, nickles, dimes....not my dog...I love my dog.  My boyfriend Danny the Dog Stealer takes my dog hostage.  I broke up with Danny the Dog Stealer.  Red Flag.  Danny tells me "Victoria I'm not giving your dog back until we get back together.   I'm thinking psycho...there's nothing that says I love you; let's get back together like stealing someone's dog.  Danny writes me a ransom note.  I sent him a $200.00 psycho therapy bill....Psycho!  Danny the Dog Stealer moved to Colorado with my dog...may lightning strike him and I hope my dog runs away.  Who steals someone's dog?  Red Flag.  My grandpa's neighbors in Colorado stole my grandpa's dog when they moved...who steals a ninety-eight year old man's dog...My grandpa loved his dog and ended up in the hospital; died of a broken heart.  My grandpa loved his dog more than my grandma.  I hope my grandpa's dog ran away from those psychos.  What's up with people from Colorado stealing dogs?  Red Flag.