Thursday, June 30, 2011

Red Flag "Ugly Funny Guy"

Red Flag "Ugly Funny Guy"

I hate blind dates.  My friend sets me up with Ugly Guy.  Red Flag.  Wow, my friend must think I am really ugly.  This guy was so ugly but I didn't even care because he was so funny.  Alcohol makes everyone hot.  Ugly Funny Guy was so fun, smart, and funny I instantly loved this guy.  He lives in Burbank so far.  Red Flag.  Ugly Funny Guy takes me out to karaoke sing and he has a voice like Frank Sinatra.  Ugly Funny Guy transformed into this rock star.  There's something about a guy singing on stage that's hot.  Everyone was so good and he was taking voice lessons from Frank Sinatra's voice teachers, shouldn't they be dead already.  I can only sing by myself if there's bad competition or in a group so I don't clear out the bar.  Ugly Funny Guy tells me he can't go out with me again because I didn't karaoke sing.  Really, you are going to base the future of our relationship on the fact I didn't karaoke sing.  Red Flag. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Red Flag "Columbian Illegal Alien"

I stayed too long in Europe once and I was an illegal alien.  I love dating illegal aliens.  My illegal aliens are really far Italy, Switzerland, Argentina, Holland.  I met this hot Latin guy from Columbia the other night.  He tells me he's an entrepreneur in Columbia that means he's a drug dealer.  Red Flag.  I stayed in Columbia when I was living and traveling in South America.  At this hotel they asked me if I wanted coke delivered to my room I'm so naive I thought they meant coke the drink so I said sure and then I had to tell them that was not the coke I ordered it's a drink.  Everyone in Columbia sold coke your hotel concierge, grandmas, priests.  

I'm thinking too bad he's a Columbian drug dealer he's so fun and cute.  I danced with the Columbian guy and he shows me his gun, not that gun, a shotgun that shoots off bullets.  Red Flag.  What does he think he's a rapper packing a shotgun?  Columbian guy said he only had one gun.  I told him my sister has 12 rifles and hunts in Africa.  Columbian Guy freaked out and left.  What a wuss? 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Red Flag "Ex-Boyfriend"

Ex-boyfriend.   Red Flag.  He got Xed out for a reason.  After two years, you forget why you broke up with them when they act so charming.  My ex-boyfriend calls me up and is in town and he was so sweet on the phone and I hadn't seen him in two years so I thought it would be fun to catch up.  He asked me to have lunch at Boa.  I get there and he's all moody and angry.   I'm thinking great he's still bi-polar/manic.  He tells me he already ate lunch at Soho House.  Red Flag.  I'm thinking why did he invite me to lunch.  He orders himself a glass of wine when I went to the bathroom and then tells me he's too cheap to buy me a glass of wine.  He used to own a bank.  Who cares?  He's not being a gentleman.  Red Flag.  Ex-boyfriend brings up he still has my vintage cashmere dress and he wore it.  Red Flag.  I ask him what are you half gay now?  He put my dress in storage.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  What is he going to wear my dress again?  A private car comes to take him to the airport and he asks me if I want to go with him to the airport and hook up.  What a douche bag?  I thanked him for reminding me why I never wanted to date him again.  I thought it would be fun to see him but it made me so sad I wasted my time I went to sprinkles and got a cup cake.  Ex-boyfriend.  Red Flag.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Red Flag "Angry Broken Arm and Cancer Guy"

I hate blind dates and never go on them.  My friend I nicknamed shit talker sets me up with his buddy, who has a broken arm and cancer.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy was so cute too bad he has cancer.  I'm so embarrassed because I'm wearing my neck brace.  My buddy shit talker's yelling at me why are you wearing your neck brace.  I remind shit talker my neck hurts.   I got hit by a drunk driver.  The worst part about it was the drunk driver wasn't even cute and was not a gentleman he kept on driving.  Shit Talker is dancing with his Brazilian girlfriends.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy and I are dancing on the dance floor but people kept bumping into his broken arm.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy gets super angry starts fighting with people.  Red Flag.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy starts hitting people knocking them out with his Broken Arm.  Red Flag.  I get Broken Arm and Cancer Guy to stop fighting and dance on stage so no one bumps into his broken arm.  Broken Arm and Cancer Guy and I were in so much pain we had to leave the dance club and go back to his place and make out.  I can't go out with Angry Broken Arm and Cancer Guy.  I can't do angry or moody.  Red Flag. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Red Flag "Shady Rick"

I met this really cute Dutch guy Rick at 5 am at my friend's party.  Everyone is fun at 5 am.   I nicknamed the Dutch Guy Shady Rick  because he's from Amsterdam.  Shady Rick is so smart, talented, brilliant.  He got a DUI in his garage.  That's talent people.  Shady Rick does a line of coke on his dashboard.  The cop and I are looking at Shady Rick thinking that's not going to help your DUI.  I tell the cop Shady Rick's from Amsterdam.  My friends from Amsterdam forget drugs aren't legal here.  The cop asks him for his license and registration.  Shady Rick opens his dash compartment it's an Amsterdam coffee shop with shrooms, weed, hash, chocolate mushrooms.  Shady Rick gets a DUI in his garage.   Red Flag.  When your date ends because he goes to jail.  Red Flag.  Shady Rick wants me to pick him up at the local jail but I can't drive stick.  Too bad Shady Rick got deported something about an expired visa, eight ball, and too many DUI'S.  Shady Rick.  Red Flag.  

Friday, June 10, 2011

Red Flag "Wine Spiller"

It's always fun to meet nice, cute guys that love to drink wine.  If it wasn't for alcohol I think our population would be cut in half; no one would be getting together.  Wine Spiller was so much fun to go out with except he always spilled red wine on me.  Red Flag.  All my clothes have red wine stains so I could only wear the color red when I went  out with Wine Spiller.  One morning Wine Spiller poured a glass of red wine in my eyes.  My eyes are still drunk and now have red wine stains.  I can't date Wine Spiller my eyes are going to be an alcoholic.  Red Flag.  Wine Spiller.  Red Flag.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Red Flag "No Where To Live Guy"

I went on a date with a hot Australian Guy, who was so fun, funny, smart, and homeless.  No Where To Live Guy.  Red Flag.  I thought No Where To Live Guy lived at my friend's house.  After a fun night of dancing we went back to my friend's house only to walk through my friend's living room in order to go outside.  It was super cool to be outside with all the stars in the sky but it was cold.  On our first date I had to walk No Where To Live Guy back to his tent.  It was a blanket fort.   Red Flag.  At least the blankets were really soft.  No Where To Live Guy's grandma made him blankets.   If I knew No Where To Live Guy had no car and walked thirty miles to a dance club to see me.   I would of picked up No Where To Live Guy to go dancing.  Too bad No Where To Live Guy got deported.  Red Flag.  I miss No Where To Live Guy's sexy Australian accent.  

Monday, June 6, 2011

Red Flag "No Drive By Guy"

No Drive By Guy always talked about marriage, marriage, marriage, he wanted me to move in with him, get married, wear the family ring, be his wife but he tells me I can't drive by unannounced.  Who does he think he is?  The Prince of Wales?  No Drive By Guy.  Red Flag.  I was in No Drive By Guy's neighborhood and he got mad I stopped by unannounced.  Red Flag.  What is he afraid of me catching him shaving his pubic hair, masturbating, or dating a neighbor?  I took No Drive By Guy to my friend's birthday party.  No Drive By Guy was a social disaster.  Red Flag.  No Drive By Guy is one of those guys that is really sweet with you alone but you can't bring out in public.  Red Flag.  One night, I get out of a film event five minutes from No Drive By Guy's place so I stopped by with cookies and beer.  No Drive By Guy was furious I stopped by unannounced.  No Drive By Guy tells me he was not raised where people can stop by.  I was raised in a laid back family in California where everyone was welcome to stop by unannounced all the time.  I also lived in Hawaii and Argentina where everyone gets excited and happy to see you drive by unannounced.  I have never dated a guy where he got so upset because I drove by unannounced.  I can't date No Drive By Guy.  I'm spontaneous.  No Drive By Guy.  Red Flag.  

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Red Flag "No Make Out Guy"

I ran into my super cool childhood friend, hot surfer, tan, blonde, been living in Tahiti, super religious.  Half way through dating he tells me we can't make out anymore.  I tell him, "that makes a lot of sense we already had sex".  No Make Out Guy.  Red Flag.  I tell him what do you mean we can't make out anymore.  No Make Out Guy tells me he is trying to live a pure life.  I remind him "You work at a bar."  No Make Out Guy told me he was a bartender.  I stop into the bar to see him; No Make Out Guy is the doorman trying to get me a drink.  No Make Out Guy who is  trying to live a pure life lied to me.  Red Flag.  I was surprised that No Make Out Guy would lie that he's a bartender because I am going to come in the bar and see that No Make Out Guy is the doorman.  No Make Out Guy invited me to his surf church.  I was injured so I told him to save me a seat because I will be late with my crutches.  No Make Out Guy tells me he can't save me a seat because he can't make out and is trying to live this pure life.  Red Flag.  I thanked No Make Out Guy for reminding me to date other guys.  No Make Out Guy.  Red Flag.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Red Flag "Tired Guy"

I met this really cool guy Jeff at a beach party.  He was super fun, smart, cute, and loved to dance.  He invited me to play night golf with glow in the dark golf balls which was a blast.   Jeff got tired.  Tired Guy.  Red Flag.  Tired Guy asks me out the next night for dinner but I already had dinner plans with my cousins.  The next night, I am at Hennessey's for a drink with my cousins and Tired Guy is out on a date.  I can see Tired Guy from inside the restaurant and he can see me outside with my cousins.  Tired Guy turns his chair so if I didn't see him I couldn't see him now.  Red Flag.  Tired Guy's hiding from me because I busted him on a date.  Red Flag.  I didn't want to ruin my time with my cousins talking about Tired Guy on his date.  Red Flag.  The next day I was helping Tired Guy's roommate with a script.  Tired Guy wants to go to dinner.  I suggest Hennessey's since that was where he was hiding from me.  I couldn't talk to Tired Guy at dinner because he fell asleep.  Tired Guy.  Red Flag.  I can't go out with double dater Tired Guy.