Sunday, May 29, 2011

Red Flag "Toilet Clogger"

I met this really cute, fun, funny actor.  He was a dream except for he kept clogging my toilet.  I nicknamed him Toilet Clogger.  My Apartment Manager kept having to rescue my toilet from Toilet Clogger.  I think my toilet was having anxiety.  Red Flag.  I invited Toilet Clogger to my friend's film screening and he got all possessive on me and wasn't nice to my male film colleagues.  Red Flag.  After the film screening and party, Toilet Clogger and I went back to my place.  Toilet Clogger's in my bathroom, runs out of toilet paper, uses all my kleenex, he clogs my toilet again.  I thought it was so funny he comes out of the bathroom in a panic yelling,"Your toilet's clogged."  Toilet Clogger acts as if it's my toilets fault.  I'm laughing thinking it's funny that Toilet Clogger is blaming my toilet for clogging the toilet.  I tell Toilet Clogger "make sure everything goes down".  It was a disaster.  I had to call my Apartment Manager for help and get a new toilet.  I decided I wasn't going to put up with Toilet Clogger getting all possessive on me, not being nice to my friends, or any of his shit, and I didn't want to look at it literally either.  Toilet Clogger Red Flag.   My Apartment Manager was so happy when I stopped dating Toilet Clogger and so was my new toilet.  Too bad he had to get so possessive on me; he was so cute:)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Red Flag "Bailer Extraordinaire"

I met this really cool, cute, funny, Italian guy at a digital conference.  Italian Guy was so fun I had a drink with him and his fun friends.  Italian Guy wanted me to think of anything I wanted to do in New York on a date.  I told him I already did everything I wanted in New York.  Italian Guy's telling me how we are going to be living together, get married, I'm thinking is he nuts or just drunk.  I told Italian Guy I wrote off Italian guys; the last Italian guy had a stripper pole in his living room.  Italian Guy tells me "I'm not from Italy."  I tell him that's even worse because then he can't cook.  Italian Guy convinces me to go to this party at his friend's house but promised me he would drive me back to my car at the digital conference.  I was excited to go to the party.  Italian Guy drives me to his friend's house, there's no party then bails on me.  Red Flag.   Italian guy becomes Bailer Extraordinaire.  Red Flag.  Bailer Extraordinaire does blow with his friend in his bathroom all night.  Red Flag.  Bailer Extraordinaire finally comes out of the bathroom, he's out of his mind, twitching, can't talk.  Red Flag.  I don't know why he even invited me over.  I want to leave and Bailer Extraordinaire leaves without me.   Red Flag.  I told Bailer Extraordinaire," thank you for reminding me not to date Italian guys".  Bailer Extraordinaire.  Red Flag.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Red Flag "No Dance Guy"

I met this really cute, fun, Artsy Guy.  My neighbor was getting married and she told me her wedding was going to suck because there was going to be no cute guys, not even the groom, and I better bring a date.  I hate weddings and never bring a date to a wedding.  The only time, I wanted to bring a date was to my sister's wedding.  I asked my boyfriend at the time but my mom's so controlling.  My Mom tells me," Victoria, you can't bring a date to your sister's wedding.  You have to much to do you're the Maid Of Honor".  I'm thinking are you kidding me, other people get to bring dates to my sister's wedding except for the sister of the bride.  I hadn't asked a guy to a wedding since my sister's wedding and for some reason I was really shy and couldn't admit we were going to a wedding.    I originally asked Alejandro from Argentina super hot and loves to dance to go to my neighbor's wedding but he never got back to me.  I had a crush on Artsy Guy so I asked Artsy Guy "Hey, do you want to go to this thing with free food, drinks, and dancing".  Artsy Guy, "What thing?"  I tell him it's this thing for my neighbor,  you gotta wear a suit, if that's cool?"  Artsy Guy, "Okay."  Artsy Guy shows up in a tight suit, hung over, and two left feet.  My neighbor's wedding looked like a scene from a wedding out of the movie The Wedding Singer.  My neighbor was right her wedding sucked because she didn't want to get married to Angry Uptight Guy.  Red Flag.  All I wanted to do was dance and Artsy Guy turns out he's No Dance Guy.  Red Flag.  I lived in Argentina we come out of the womb dancing and doing the Tango.  I can't go out with No Dance Guy.  Red Flag.  The entire night No Dance Guy is complaining he's hung over, hates to dance, his suit's too tight.  No Dance Guy was no fun so we got drunk and broke up.  During the wedding, I get a call from Alejandro the Hot Guy from Argentina that he wanted to come to the wedding now.  My friend, the drunk Bride yells into my phone come to my wedding.  I told No Dance Guy that Alejandro is coming to dance that my drunk friend the Bride invited him.  No Dance Guy got mad at me.  I'm thinking why are you mad at me?  We already broke up and you won't dance.   No Dance Guy.  Red Flag.  The funny part about everything was I got into a bad car wreck the next night and now I can't dance.  Just give me a few days I will be back dancing.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Red Flag "Stripper Pole Guy"

I met this super cool, cute, fun, Italian Swiss Guy.  Italian Swiss Guy is so fun; he's my soulmate except he has a stripper pole in his living room.  Red Flag.  Do you ever ask yourself stupid questions when you like someone?  I'm asking myself would Stripper Pole Guy be faithful?  Stupid question.  Stripper Pole Guy has a fucking stripper pole in his living room.  He doesn't have to go to Strip Clubs he has a permanent Strip Club in his living room.  Stripper Pole Guy tells me he's practicing because he's an amateur fireman.  Red Flag.  Stripper Pole Guy says he teaches strip aerobics.  Red Flag.  Stripper Pole Guy is Italian Swiss.  Italian part's Red Flag.  It's been my experience from living in Italy that Italian guys usually are not faithful probably because they don't know how to set boundaries.  Red Flag.  If you find a faithful Italian guy hold on you'll have the time of your life.  If Stripper Pole Guy is Italian on top then that's cool because he's a great cook, super stylish, loves to eat, and if he's Swiss on the bottom then he's faithful, organized, and on time.  I can work with that.  If Stripper Pole Guy is Swiss on top and Italian on the bottom then he'll never be faithful.  Red Flag.  And let's not forget he has a stripper pole in his living room.  The worst part about it is Stripper Pole Guy swings better around his Stripper Pole than me.  I was thinking about Stripper Pole Guy today and he called me to pick him up at the airport too bad I was out of the country.  I do like his pole.  Stripper Pole Guy.  Red Flag.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Red Flag "Stoner Guy Forgets My Name"

I have been dating this really sweet, cool, fun,  hippie Stoner guy.  It's going really well except he can't remember my name.  Red Flag.  Stoner Guy, stoned out of his mind, as he does a bong rip he calls me "Crystal"....then does another bong rip...calls me "Sky"... Wrong Name again.  Red Flag.  Stoner Guy does another hit of pot and calls me "Sapphire".  I'm just looking at him thinking I gave you three chances and you don't even remember my name.  Stoner Guy says "Oh, wait that's the girl from Playboy Magazine".  Red Flag.  Stoner Guy he's really sweet he always wants to make me dinner except it consists of a couple sunflower seeds, rocks, and leaves.  Then for dessert Stoner Guy always wants to feed me flax seed oil.  Have you ever tasted flax seed oil?  It looks like honey but it tastes like shit.  I'm thinking what does he think I am a car.  If I was a car,  I wouldn't run on oil or gas.  I would run on weed.  Who's with me?  If I was a car in Europe, I would run on chocolate, wine, and cheese and if you're in Ibiza then you're not driving.  You're dancing!  And probably naked if you're leaving the opening party of the Club Space.  If you leave the Club Space with your clothes on that's a major accomplishment.  Good times.  My favorite club is Pacha:)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Red Flag "Angry Happy Hour Guy"

Happy Hour Guy is really fun, funny, cute, and wants to go to Happy Hour.  I would of loved to have gone to Happy Hour, who doesn't like Happy Hour.  It's one of the happiest hours of the day:)  I had to tell Happy Hour Guy I would love to meet up but I already had plans.  Happy Hour Guy tries to convince me to cancel my plans because he's going to pay for everything.  The fact a guy tells me he's going to pay for everything.  Red Flag.  I am not the type of girl, who goes out with some guy because he's paying.  Happy Hour Guy becomes Angry Happy Hour Guy because I am not willing to cancel my plans.  Angry Happy Hour Guy.  Red Flag.  It'll be Angry Hour.  Red Flag.  Angry Happy Hour Guy tells me I should meet up with him so I can cross it off my list.  Red Flag.  I don't go out with guys to cross them off my list.  What does he think I am a business transaction?  Red Flag.  I'm thinking now I am crossing off Angry Happy Hour Guy.   I have never encountered so many Red Flags in one conversation.  Angry Happy Hour Guy.  Red Flag.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Red Flag "Hot Half Gay Guy"

I had a crush on this really cool, funny, smart, hot guy at grad school and he went to great lengths to get me out of my clothes only because he wanted to wear them.  Red Flag.  He tells me over Martini's he's Half Gay.  I'm thinking Half Gay which half?  If he's gay on top that's cool then he's super ripped, fit, six pack, and if he's straight on the bottom I can work with that.  I ask him Half Gay what do you mean?  You date guys half the week.   You suck dick part time; you only lick balls.  He tells me he blames his five sisters for being Half Gay because they would talk about cock all the time.  Why did I have to fall for the one Hot Half Gay Gay in my class?  We had so much fun together I over looked all the Red Flags.  I should of seen the Red Flags because after we would leave the bars he would get hot guys phone numbers.  I thought he was being friendly.  At least he had good taste I thought these guys were hot too.  Later, when we would get back to his place he would want to bake cookies.  Red Flag.  We could of been having sex but we were baking cookies.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  Red Flag.  One night he went to great lengths to get me out of my vintage dress only because he wanted to wear it.  The worst part about it was he looked better in my dress than I did.  Red Flag.  I can't date Hot Half Gay Guy and lose out to some guy named Chuck.  Red Flag.    

Monday, May 16, 2011

Red Flag "Danny the Dog Stealer"

Did you ever date someone that stole something from you?  If you're going to steal something from me...steal something that I am not going to notice....change...pennies, nickles, dimes....not my dog...I love my dog.  My boyfriend Danny the Dog Stealer takes my dog hostage.  I broke up with Danny the Dog Stealer.  Red Flag.  Danny tells me "Victoria I'm not giving your dog back until we get back together.   I'm thinking psycho...there's nothing that says I love you; let's get back together like stealing someone's dog.  Danny writes me a ransom note.  I sent him a $200.00 psycho therapy bill....Psycho!  Danny the Dog Stealer moved to Colorado with my dog...may lightning strike him and I hope my dog runs away.  Who steals someone's dog?  Red Flag.  My grandpa's neighbors in Colorado stole my grandpa's dog when they moved...who steals a ninety-eight year old man's dog...My grandpa loved his dog and ended up in the hospital; died of a broken heart.  My grandpa loved his dog more than my grandma.  I hope my grandpa's dog ran away from those psychos.  What's up with people from Colorado stealing dogs?  Red Flag.